Just a quick post from phone to announce that today I sent my dissertation to my committee. hopefully they will like it and I can move on to defense scheduling!

Blinding you with science

I am not sure I have shared here how I never planned on being a scientist. In fact, it is still kind of shocking to me that I am indeed one. Here is my deep dark secret: I only liked biology in high school and in college the only science I took was intro psych and one semester of ecology and evolution. Yet here I am, an actual scientist with a science-y dissertation and attendance at science-y conferences. Aw yeah.

I have been thinking about this lately, as I am teaching science to non-science majors right now. Many of them are scared of science, and math. I have been thinking I should share my circuitous journey to science with them, so they can know that you can start out not liking science, and totally change. Also, I am still scared of math.

I have been struggling with some new to me statistics that I need for my dissertation. I was having trouble figuring out how to best look at some data, and one of my committee members came up with some ideas which are great, but which mean I need to teach myself some stats fast. I am not comfortable with math, and stats has always been the hardest part of science for me, but I am persevering and it is making me feel really smart and good. It has been quite awhile since I really had to learn something totally new and unfamiliar, and I am proud of myself for doing so. Here is a picture of the books I have been reading, so you can be impressed with my smart, science-y self.

Employed!

So, I was seriously considering stopping the blogging because I post so little lately. Also I kind of feel transitional lately. I have still have no defense date because I have no completed dissertation, but over this last year my self-image has really changed from that of a student to that of a professional. A professor. A non-student, whatever. So I think that is good, as I think that is one of the things to be learned in grad school. Hopefully I can use this new self image to propel me into getting this stuff done. woo! Much of this transition was helped along by the million classes I taught last quarter. While I do not recommend teaching a million classes ever, and while I hope to never do so again, I think it was good for me in the end. I did not dissertate too much, but I now have so much teaching mojo! I can teach anything, anywhere, with little notice. Aw yeah. And I am not scared of a heavy work load. I did work on my own stuff while teaching the million classes, although at a much slower rate. Teaching so much made me feel like a professor AND I have now gotten a full-time job at one of those schools for next year. That's right, guaranteed full time load (less than a million) for a whole academic year! A grown up salary! A title. Love it. Now I will try to use my desire to be a "visiting assistant professor" as opposed to a "visiting instructor" into to defeat that pesky dissertation.

Oh, and in the end I am apparently not stopping blogging. Maybe when I graduate I will do a "Dr. Monkeygirl" style makeover. We'll see.

Challenge

The April Scientiae topic: Tell us about that most firey fire through which you have had to walk in your scientific career. How did you overcome the challenge? Did you have help along the way, or was it a solo effort? And what did you learn? Why are you a better scientist given the difficulties that you have encountered?

Peeps, I am in the most fiery challenge of my scientific career right now. I am not going to go into details, but my dissertation writing is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I began writing this thing back in early 2007 and have had a bastard of a time with it since. There are difficulties with professors involved, I have become angry at the system and I feel it has greatly let me down.

I have not overcome this challenge yet, but I know I will sometime. I do have help along the way. I have friends who are willing to listen sympathetically and who also are willing to not ask when I say I don't want to talk about it. R is great at reminding me to be self-confident and at reading my chapters critically and coming up with awesome insights that really help my writing. I have also started going to counseling, which has been amazing for helping me remember who I am, and that I am a smart, successful person, even when others say I am not.

I have also really learned a ton. I have learned about facing huge obstacles and harsh criticism and about how I work best. I think this last part has been most useful. I've often tried to work how I think others work, or how I think I should work. But it is only this semester, when I am teaching 10,045 classes and writing that I have really found what works for me. I have carefully scheduled writing time that I CANNOT make up if I miss. Really. If I don't write between my two classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays I don't have time to write for that week. This knowledge really makes me cut the procrastination. Also, the time chunks I have are short enough that I don't get bored. I am forced to stop by needing to go teach, which always leaves me wanting to get back to my work. And I have finally accepted that I don't work well in the house. I have access to a great office that I am using a lot, and I recently added two more hours to my work time by staying after my classes for an hour at night.

When I am not too upset by the whole situation, I know that this really crappy dissertating experience will in the end make me more sure of myself as an independent scholar, and will make me more able to take rejections and criticisms of my ideas in the future. I also wouldn't wish this experience on anyone, and hope it will help me be more sympathetic of any grad students I may get to work with in the future.

scientiae-carnival

New Year

I have made some New Year's resolutions. They are mostly about exercising, but here they are:
*run at least 2x a week
*run in at least two races
*yoga or pilates 2x a week
*be more social and get out of the house more
*don't stress so much

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And since it is already Jan 17, here is how I have been doing. I have been doing great on the running. I got a Nike+ (Santa got me an ipod Nano for Christmas) which is a huuuuuuge motivator for me. R laughs at me, but knowing the Nike+ is watching me makes me push myself harder. Also, I love graphs! So I am on track for my running. We'll have to see about the races, but I have a whole year ahead of me. I have only done yoga twice and I still need to figure that out. Basically, I need to get over being embarrassed to do yoga with R in the house. I am not home enough when he is gone to get two half hour practices in a week. I am still trying though.

We have done great on the social front! I am so happy about it. We went out two nights last weekend, had people over during the week, and are going out two nights this weekend. woo! Go us!

Finally, I have been having serious issues with my dissertation which I cannot share here. BUT I have learned an important lesson which is that I need to go easier on myself, and stop beating myself for not reaching expectations I had that were ridiculous to begin with. To this end, I dropped my spring hours which means I definitely cannot graduate in May. That is ok. I am approaching the dissertation more as a journey. I work on it, and one day it will be done. I do not know when that day is. From now on, when people ask when I am going to be done my answer will simply be, "when I am done." I have lots of things I would probably do differently if I could go back and do grad school over, but one of the biggest is that I would not be so fixated on getting out fast. I was too obsessed with finishing and that made me get so upset when I missed deadlines and therefore caused me to procrastinate more. So I am working more on enjoying the day to day. And the lack of pressure has not made me work less, but actually more, as it is less of a chore now.

Over the disseration

I am sure I have said this before, but I am so over my dissertation. It bores me. I wish it were done. I have a draft of the 4th chapter, but it really needs the discussion expanding and I am stuck stuck stuck. Blah. I am debating what to do, as I really wanted to send it to my advisor today, just so she sees how I am working AND so I could stop thinking about it for awhile. I am not good at working on one thing for a long time, and I feel I am that point with this chapter. My ideal plan was to send it to her today, spend the weekend grading, then take a real break from it all over Christmas/New Years. I want to start chapter 5 in January, then come back to 4 again and bounce between the two for a bit until going back to 1, 2, 3 and fiddling with them a little more. Argh. I think I will send it is as it is complete, there are just parts that need to be expanded on and I really don't have the energy for that. Also, I have 40 final exams to grade. I think I have convinced myself to send it.

Here is a deeper philosophical question that lurks behind it all. When do you send drafts of writing to an advisor/collaborator? I feel like I can send stuff when the logical flow is intact, but some of the details may be missing. Then they can comment on the big picture of it, and help me fill in the details. Someone else I was talking to, though, said they thought something should be in final draft form before sending it. I don't feel it needs to be that filled out, but what do you guys do?

before my battery dies

I did not die of my cold. I have promised my mom, however, that if I do die, I will post it here so she does not worry. :) I somehow think she will still worry.

I have spend the morning working in my new favorite spot -- the cafe of an art museum. It is very well lit, and quiet, and I think the art makes me smarter. However there are no outlets, so I have to use up my battery. So sad. I have actually not written anything this morning, but have read much on tourist satisfaction, which should hopefully help me write more later. Did you know that tourist satisfaction is based on multiple variables? It is! I would like to know more about what tourists look for in wildlife encounters, but so far I have read about white-water rafting and trips to the Boundary Waters with all woman groups.

I am now off to do some errands and then eat lunch and start the crock pot. After lunch I shall learn all about what tourists want from wildlife encounters and then hopefully write a brilliant conclusion to my fourth chapter. Maybe I will even make some tables for that chapter. Or I will clean the bathroom.

Hold

So I had a hold on my university record. They make it really hard to find out why one has holds, but they did tell me it was financial services, so I called them. I gave the not-friendly woman my id number and she muttered "exiti'lltransfer" and I got to listen to some really really bad hold music. I really think it is not a whole song, just like 4 bars repeated over and over. Anyway, it turns out that yet again, they think I have graduated. It is sad that at an institution granting many PhDs, the computer doesn't seem to understand that it takes a freakin' long time. Each of the last two semesters I have had a hold because they thought I graduated, and then some voice on the phone asked if I was "graduating late"! There is no late graduation possible! No matter when I graduate, it will be on time.

I would like to convince them to just give me the diploma, but they have not fallen for that yet. Maybe soon.

In other news, look how I beat my goal this week! Yay me!

InaDWriMo 2008 and moving on

I failed miserably at InaDWriMo. I got to 16% of my goal which is sad sad. I probably should not have chosen to participate in a month which included Thanksgiving and a 4 day conference. Oh well.

Here is my new plan -- small, achievable, weekly goals. I hope I will actually reach these goals, which will build my confidence and make me write more. The conference gave me some great ideas, and I just made a new outline of my whole dissertation which I hope will give it more coherence. Since I love those status bars, there is now one for this week's goal: 1000 more words on Chapter 4.

Thanksigiving! And Conferences!

I had a great time at my conference in San Francisco. I knew more people than I realized and enjoyed seeing a little bit of SF. My poster went well -- I had some people come talk to me and my poster neighbor asked me for tips, as mine was so attractive. I have to say, I loooove conferences so much. Each year I know more and more people so it is a time to catch up with people I don't see regularly. Also, I think I am better at talking about my research than writing about it, so posters and talks are a great vehicle for me. Conferences also always inspire me to get back into my own work, which I am hoping to do soon. I did come away with a whole new way to kind of frame my diss. I think I was lost in the trees and was not seeing the forest.

The other thing going on right now is Thanksgiving! R and I are hosting a bunch of international students. We are in the midst of baking pies, and R is trying to de-frost the turkey in prep for brining. I made the most complicated pumpkin pie recipe ever. Seriously, it took me like 2 hours to just make the filling and the crust. Unless it is the most amazing pie ever, I will not be making it again. We'll see.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving with great people to celebrate with!

InaDWriMo 2008

This is my official notice that I am participating in International Academic Writing Month. This is just happens to be occurring at the time when I really need to get in gear and get my last two data chapters done. SO my goal is to write 10,000 words here in November, which should equal chapters 4 and 5. Right on. There's a new status meter over in the sidebar so you can keep track. I will start November 1 and report back weekly. I expect your ridicule when I do not proceed as planned. I have been hoping, but it really appears that the dissertation refuses to write itself.

What comes next?

So, way back when I became a comment-whore by asking for suggestions on what to write about, Emily asked about my post-dissertation plans. Here is that promised post.

How will I celebrate? I definitely am traveling to grad school town to participate in the whole graduation shebang. I want the pomp and circumstance and fancy robes. R will come with me, and I think my fam and R's parents are planning on coming too. In my fantasy world, we rent out the back room of my favorite pizza place and all go there for dinner. I will probably break down into sobs at some point from the relief.

I don't really have any plans career-wise yet. I am scared of getting too specific about what I want, as I could be happy in a lot of situations. I definitely want to teach, and I would love to be able to keep doing a little research. But for the first year or two I am also open to non-teaching postdocs. I figure I can put that time into publishing my dissertation which will help me be more attractive to more schools. I'm thinking a little about finding a new field site and plotting different projects I can do over summers off from teaching. My secret master plan is that one of my adjunct schools will give me a year long position next year, then love me so much that they give me a tenure track position after that, then love me so so much that they give me tenure AND hire R when he graduates. Whew. :)

There are a lot of things I have kind of been putting off until after I finish, but no major goals (except for becoming employed). I mostly want to get a somewhat normal life back. And for me a normal life means a little time to see friends, to get back into crocheting, and money to go out once and awhile. That is it. My needs and desires are few. I also want to get back into traveling more. R and I love to travel and do it well together and it has been far too long since we went on an awesome trip.

From a distance....

You know you all know the words.

I apologize for neglecting you, my valiant blog readers. I have been very busy. I teach, I dissertate, and that is about it. The semester has been kicking my butt. I have wondered why, and then realized it is the first time I have taught two new preps AND tried to write/research/etc. But it is good I am figuring out how to balance the teaching a research, since that will be the story of the rest of my life.

Anyway, that prologue is to say I am totally going to stick to my promise and write about your requested topics. Today I am going to write about finishing my dissertation while being away from the school where I am enrolled.

I can some the situation up in two words: IT ROCKS! But it may not work for all. For me, I was not crazy about GradSchoolTown so I am happier away and being happier otherwise makes me a more productive worker. Also, R is happier pursuing his own grad school business, and that also makes me happier. Finally, I work better with my advisor with some distance AND she is the sort who loves side projects, which I avoid by not being there. I have suffered some from a lack of face time, but overall any problems have been worth the benefits, for me. I've also gotten some great teaching opportunities that I am hopeful will help me on the job search in the future. I think for some people the situation would not work out, but it has been great for me.

yum

I am a victim of academic neglect. Therefore, I got to spend my week in grad school town traveling about eating at tasty restaurants instead of doing what I thought I came to do. Even though I now live in NYC, allegedly the restaurant capital of the US or something, I miss so many restaurants here. Really, this town has a ton of good places for its size, and they are so cheap! I have eaten many portabella mushroom sandwiches, herbed goat cheese, butternut squash bisque, and sweet potato fries. Yum yum. So that is the bright side of this somewhat wasted trip. I also got to see friends which was good. And tomorrow I depart for my drive to Virginia. Time to charge the ipod!

I am still here

Sorry for the lack of posting. I am currently on my summer travels and right before I left I was stressed and now I am on the road. I am actually in my grad school town discovering that indeed, universities are not really concerned about their students. It sucks. Anyway, in the end I have decided it will make me more stubborn and willful about finishing, but for now I am feeling disillusioned and cynical.

I have been getting to see a lot of friends, though! And I am sure more fun adventures will occur AND I am renting a car for $75 for a week. Gotta love a bargain.

Elderly

It has come to my attention that I am too old for grad school. Really, I think it is built for younger people who come right from undergrad. I only took 3 years off in between, but I still feel it has made me too old. I have been working until 10:00 or 10:30 pm lately in order to finish up this data analysis push. Basically, I am listening to tapes of tourist groups and figuring out how much time they are making noise. I can pretty much get one tape done a day. I really want to ramp it up because I have 11 tapes left, yet I will be going to grad school town in 8 days and I really really would prefer to have them done before that. But I am so tired and my back hurts from sitting at my desk too much and the cats are angry because I neglect them. I just keep thinking back to when I was young and spry and how I could have stayed up super late every night with no problems. That is why I am too old for grad school. Good thing I will have to graduate soon!

Should I give in?

Only 4 papers left to grade! woo! The papers are actually all pretty good and it is not an onerous task. I have actually learned some stuff from some of them. I was struck last semester with how many of my students obviously wrote their entire final paper the night before it was due, including research. I don't necessarily have a problem with this, if you can pull it off, but they could not. The papers read like papers written the night before. This semester I made each student choose a focus country on which to write their final paper. Then they had to write about the country for each of their response papers and they had an abstract and outline which are both part of the final paper grade. I think this has definitely improved the level of papers I am getting, as at the very least they mildly thought about their country a little bit before the paper was due.

The question in the title refers to my great craving for a sweet ice coffee confection from Starbucks (or maybe Dunkin Donuts?) I try not to patronize Starbucks that much, but I still have booooring data analysis to do, and the caffeine/sugar might help me get through it. I am about to go to the library and do some other errands, so I will probably get something on the way back.

I am very stressed as I travel to grad school town in 15 days. I had dreams of having a whole (albeit rough) draft of my diss by then. Alas, this data analysis is sucking my soul and is taking soooo long. I hope I will have it done in 15 days. If it takes me all 15 days I will not have time to write anything new, which means I will show up in grad school town with only a bit more written than when I was last there. Oh well. I really am working a ton, even into the night, and I do not believe I can physically work more. So what will be done will be done and I will just have to live with it.

Perspective

So somehow through my grad school experience I have gotten into the habitat of looking at all the things I don't get done each day, as opposed to what I do get done. It is a distressing habit because every day I feel like I am failing because I don't have all kinds of things done. Yesterday, however, I took stock of what I had done, and realized I do actually work a lot. So, here is what I have done so far this week:
*ran/walked 2 miles
*analyzed boring data many times
*commented on 4 student paper drafts (I am the nicest prof ever)
*called my advisor
*applied for four jobs in Chicago
*held office hours (no one came)
*did dishes
*bought mangoes for a future ice cream
*graded a bunch o' response papers
*set up gradebook so it only awaits students' paper grades before spitting out the final grade
*researched teaching philosophies
*wrote a rough draft of my teaching philosophy
*slept
*hung out with R
*bought a million tickets for some upcoming travel (I will tell you about this soon. It is kinda crazy.)

Still alive

It has been a while since I gave my trusty blog readers a real post. Sorry about that. Every day the dissertation becomes more all encompassing. Perhaps this means I will finish it? Who knows.

Anyway, since we last spoke I have had my birthday, flown to Ohio for a conference where I was an anthropology rock star and presented a rock star caliber poster and then returned home, taught, and caught the plague. Actually, it is just a minor plague.

So, my birthday was the 6th. R had to leave that morning to be woo-ed by grad schools so we celebrated the night before by taking the ferry to Staten Island and eating at an Italian restaurant staffed by Italian grandmas. Some of the food was great, some was mediocre but the wine was awesome as was the whole experience of taking the ferry, etc. On my actual birthday I met two friends for brunch and then we went for pedicures. Yay, pedicures! It was awesome and relaxing and now my toe nails are a nice robin egg blue. I am going to try to make pedicures a bigger part of my life.

On the 9th I flew to Ohio for a conference. I love conferences. This was the 4th time I had attended this particular conference, and I am starting to feel really comfortable at it, seeing all the same people and I'm more comfortable chatting with strangers. I had a poster to present which basically means I tack it up in a big room for 3 hours and stand by it for 1.5 of those hours, answering questions. I got really good feedback and lots of people said they couldn't wait to see the stuff published, so that is good and inspired me more to finish my diss and get papers from it out there. The whole conference was really confidence boosting as I conversed intelligently about my field with all kinds of people. Sweet! I also got to see grad school friends which was also fun.

I got home from that on Sunday, dove into prepping class and finishing grading. Then I taught a great class, became sad there are only 2 weeks of the semester left, and got sick. I was tired Tuesday night and then yesterday I decided to sleep in a little and ended up being out like a light until 11:30! eek. I slept almost all day. I am a lot better today so I think I was just over-tired and needed a rest. I already spent the morning grading and soon will dive into dissertation chapter 4. Watch out, chapter 4! I'm a-coming for you!

Feels like Wednesday

It's a metaphor. Although it would most likely be a better metaphor if most of you weren't likely to read it on an actual Wednesday. Anyway.

I feel like I am at the Wednesday of my dissertation. If my dissertation were a week, I would be at Wednesday. I feel like I have been pushing and pushing this boulder up a hill (some metaphor mixin' for you) and am juuuust about to the top, whereupon the boulder will roll easily down the hill. I can totally see the summit. Yet although I am so close to the top, I am still suffering procrastination. I have learned over the last year or so that my procrastination is worst when I am scared of something -- what am I scared of? Going down the hill can only be good, right? That is true, but it is also scary. Once I go down the other side of the hill, or get to Friday, then other people start to look at my dissertation. So far it has been just me and my advisor in the thick of it (also R has read a good chunk). So it is like soon I will have to share it, and defend it, and explain it to others. eek! Scary! And then I will graduate! And have to get a job! And do the job! And find new things to research! See why it is scary?

So that is why it is Wednesday and why even though it is Wednesday I am still procrastinating. When I told R the Wednesday theory, he said he thinks it is actually Thursday, it just feels like Wednesday to me. Now I am waiting to realize it is actually Thursday but feels like Wednesday.